So my roomate has a 7 year old son. He lives with us, so obviously I get the shit end of the stick and the hilarity that all comes with being a non-parent housemate. It's bad on one hand cuz kids annoy the shit out of me and I wanna smack them half the time.... they're always so nice when you can give them back to their parents. On the other hand, it's very entertaining because he can say the most inappropriate things in front of me and I don't feel bad because I had no part in his upbringing.... on that note...
Noah is the type of kid that rocks a mohawk and has trouble saying his R's. He sounds like he's fwum New Yoke. The speach impediment itself is the cutest thing ever because while saying innocent words, he butchers them and half the time he sounds like a sailor. So the elusive dating triangle is still commencing, and Noah living with me, knows all about it. (Well as much as you would tell a 7 year old). The other night Chod was coming over to play some DDR and drink some beer. I told my roomie to talk to Noah and tell him not to say anything about the Drunk to Chod. We decided it would be better to not say anything and just see how Chod and Noah interracted. As soon as I went to get the door I hear Noah screaming "Dave (Drunk) is here!" He was so excited to see Drunk. Roomie grabbed him and pulled him into his room for a chat. Once I made sure Chod was out of earshot, I walked into the room and Noah has the biggest smile I have ever seen. He's pointing at me, mimicing me, and doing a dance all while saying "I know your secwets (secrets for laymen)" I couldn't help it. I lost it and just started laughing hysterically. Then I offered to pay him $5 to keep his little trap shut. He says "Make it twenty and we got a deal" I was the one who taught the kid to bargain! Needless to say the extortionist only got his $5.
Noah Part II
So eventhough he lives with two women, Noah does not know what a period is. I don't think any 7 year old boy should know what one is. Those of you who have dogs know how they are drawn to anything that has been within a yard of a crotch, so needless to say, my daughter Bella always makes her way to the garbage trash can that time of the month. Someone forgot to close the door and she got in there last weekend. She retrieved a tampon (damn shitty pipes!) and brought it into the living room. I was asleep at this time so I had no clue what was going on. As soon as I got up though, Noah was telling me how he had picked up my "diaper" ... you could imagine how horrified I was that he had touched it! This kid never washes his hands. NEVER. Everytime he pees, he walks out, he'll pick up trash off the ground and then try to eat. But after he picked up the diaper he "washed my hands with soap and watel" .... so that's what it takes? Anyways, later he told me that he tried to not touch the "butt" part. I was a little confused as to what this meant. . . until I found out that Bella had also grabbed a panty liner - maybe the diaper to begin with? Who knows. Anyways, after a little more probing I found out that Noah thinks that the blood was shit. Noah also thinks I shit my pants all the time, and now him and his mother lovingly refer to me as "poop pants". . . oh to be ostracized by a 7 year old. I feel like informing him about periods just so I can drop the moniker. .. oh kids say the darndest things.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
let a dog roam and they'll wanna come home
Why is it that when life seems to finally be going your way, all the spawns of Satan (or for you laymen - your exes) seem to creep back from the depths of Hell and into your life? Obviously you know my luck with men. . . if thats what you can call teh scum that I date haha. I even had to laugh at that one myself! Anyways, I finally get my shit together - am doing great at work, have lost 30 pounds and in tip top shape, so of course, it would only make sense for God to curse me. I have compiled a list of things NOT to do if you are a creepy man and have been in my vagina...
#1) Do not call me from private number, listen to my voice, breathe heavily and then hang up. It makes me feel like the Zodiac is on my line and he's lusting blood.
#2) Do not try to text me to make small talk. No milk will ever be our milk.
#3) Do NOT send me naked pictures of you trying to encite a grand memory. Obviously you weren't that grand, or else you'd be laying in my bed as I type.
#4) Do not send me romantic notes such as : "I bet you miss wrapping those big lips around my cock" ... I take offense. I have no doubt in my mind that you miss it more than I do! And just what lips are you calling big? HUH?!?!?!?! No beefcurtains here.
#5) Do not try to befriend my friends as a way of getting back in with me. I know what you are doing. They know what you are doing. Why are you so lame?
#6) ABOVE ALL ELSE, if I see you in public, please do not touch me. Do not introduce me as your ex. . . let alone "the best head I ever had" .... definitely NOT the way back into a lady's heart. On second thought, if I see you in public please do not talk to me at all.
I don't think these things are hard to abide. I'm going to start making every man I fuck with sign a contract saying he will adhere to all the above in case we break up - which knowing me, my fondness for all penises, and my penchant for not being faithful, WE WILL BREAK UP.
Oh to be loved.
#1) Do not call me from private number, listen to my voice, breathe heavily and then hang up. It makes me feel like the Zodiac is on my line and he's lusting blood.
#2) Do not try to text me to make small talk. No milk will ever be our milk.
#3) Do NOT send me naked pictures of you trying to encite a grand memory. Obviously you weren't that grand, or else you'd be laying in my bed as I type.
#4) Do not send me romantic notes such as : "I bet you miss wrapping those big lips around my cock" ... I take offense. I have no doubt in my mind that you miss it more than I do! And just what lips are you calling big? HUH?!?!?!?! No beefcurtains here.
#5) Do not try to befriend my friends as a way of getting back in with me. I know what you are doing. They know what you are doing. Why are you so lame?
#6) ABOVE ALL ELSE, if I see you in public, please do not touch me. Do not introduce me as your ex. . . let alone "the best head I ever had" .... definitely NOT the way back into a lady's heart. On second thought, if I see you in public please do not talk to me at all.
I don't think these things are hard to abide. I'm going to start making every man I fuck with sign a contract saying he will adhere to all the above in case we break up - which knowing me, my fondness for all penises, and my penchant for not being faithful, WE WILL BREAK UP.
Oh to be loved.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
My ode to alex.
So enough of the slut talk for one day. . . okay not really, but this is going to be some reminiscant smut action. Today I have decided that I haven't been showing much appreciation to a friend of mine that I have definitely been through some shit with.... so this is an ode to her:
One of my nearest and dearest friends Alex has been with me through the thick and the thin forever. I met her our freshman year of high school at volleyball tryouts. Alex is a bit of a bigger gal like myself, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw her, clad in biker shorts and all, laying on the ground of the gymnasium floor rubbing her ass saying "Do you want some of this?" She flips - "How about a little of that?" to the entire football team as they are getting their uniforms! I just knew at that moment that her and I were meant to be.
From that point on, Alex and I were inseparable. I would pick her up from her house in the morning before school (Well technically normally around the time school was starting) and we would make our way to our Catholic high school. Normally, we would go get stoned, drive over to IHOP and then get ready to go to school. We would call our parents on the way to school and tell them that we had just been in a car accident so when we got to school and told the attendance lady this, our stories were corroborated. She was the Goose to my 16 year old Maverick. I taught Alex to drive when she was 15. I drove a stick - an '89 Toyota Corolla that smelled of dog and the depths of hell, so obviously I needed a reliable driver to trust with my baby. There were so many drunken nights that I would hand over the keys to my 15 year old co-pilot and tell her to take the wheel. This story is about one of those nights....
Alex had been "talking" (or whatever it is that you do when you're 15 and boy crazy) to this guy I had worked with at a burger joint in town. His name was Bobby and he was missing the top nub of his index finger. He would let the slidy window at the drive thru slam down and tell customers he lost his finger and he couldn't find it all while screaming and franctic - needless to say, this guy was pure entertainment. Alex, Bobby and I went to go visit my then boyfriend and go drinking. I love how when you're 16 going drinking consists of two hours of finding a liquor store that will sell to you or shoulder tapping, gettin gthe nastiest cheapest 40 oz possible - normally a good night would consist of 211 or some Colt 45.... On this particular night, King Cobra was the choice. Bad choice at that. I remember going to some guy's house, playing some drinking games and deciding that it would be fun to go to the water to drink. A couple of hours later, Alex was driving us home on the freeway - bear with me because although I do love this story, I only truly remember bits and pieces of it! I was topless and hanging out the window flashing truckers. I remember at one point Alex had to get off the freeway so I could pee. Me being the drunken genius that I am, decide to pee not in the porta potty that looms in front of me, but beside it. And Alex being that true friend, reversed the car ( A trick it took her a while to learn) and flashed the headlights on me exposing me to the carload of drunken boys. Too drunk to care or be embarassed we piled back in the car, dropped all of the boys minus Bobby and headed back to Hayward. We realized we couldn't go home cuz we were smashed so we decided to sleep in the car - didn't you know it's not just for the cool kids anymore? We parked in front of a random park and I passed out in the back seat... only to wake up at 5 AM alone with all the doors unlocked and keys in the ignition. turns out bobby and alex were doin their own thing in the park. oh what a night.
Stories like this make me remember why I love/loathe Alex so much and why til this day, if she's popping a squat somewhere, I back up my car and put the headlights on.
One of my nearest and dearest friends Alex has been with me through the thick and the thin forever. I met her our freshman year of high school at volleyball tryouts. Alex is a bit of a bigger gal like myself, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw her, clad in biker shorts and all, laying on the ground of the gymnasium floor rubbing her ass saying "Do you want some of this?" She flips - "How about a little of that?" to the entire football team as they are getting their uniforms! I just knew at that moment that her and I were meant to be.
From that point on, Alex and I were inseparable. I would pick her up from her house in the morning before school (Well technically normally around the time school was starting) and we would make our way to our Catholic high school. Normally, we would go get stoned, drive over to IHOP and then get ready to go to school. We would call our parents on the way to school and tell them that we had just been in a car accident so when we got to school and told the attendance lady this, our stories were corroborated. She was the Goose to my 16 year old Maverick. I taught Alex to drive when she was 15. I drove a stick - an '89 Toyota Corolla that smelled of dog and the depths of hell, so obviously I needed a reliable driver to trust with my baby. There were so many drunken nights that I would hand over the keys to my 15 year old co-pilot and tell her to take the wheel. This story is about one of those nights....
Alex had been "talking" (or whatever it is that you do when you're 15 and boy crazy) to this guy I had worked with at a burger joint in town. His name was Bobby and he was missing the top nub of his index finger. He would let the slidy window at the drive thru slam down and tell customers he lost his finger and he couldn't find it all while screaming and franctic - needless to say, this guy was pure entertainment. Alex, Bobby and I went to go visit my then boyfriend and go drinking. I love how when you're 16 going drinking consists of two hours of finding a liquor store that will sell to you or shoulder tapping, gettin gthe nastiest cheapest 40 oz possible - normally a good night would consist of 211 or some Colt 45.... On this particular night, King Cobra was the choice. Bad choice at that. I remember going to some guy's house, playing some drinking games and deciding that it would be fun to go to the water to drink. A couple of hours later, Alex was driving us home on the freeway - bear with me because although I do love this story, I only truly remember bits and pieces of it! I was topless and hanging out the window flashing truckers. I remember at one point Alex had to get off the freeway so I could pee. Me being the drunken genius that I am, decide to pee not in the porta potty that looms in front of me, but beside it. And Alex being that true friend, reversed the car ( A trick it took her a while to learn) and flashed the headlights on me exposing me to the carload of drunken boys. Too drunk to care or be embarassed we piled back in the car, dropped all of the boys minus Bobby and headed back to Hayward. We realized we couldn't go home cuz we were smashed so we decided to sleep in the car - didn't you know it's not just for the cool kids anymore? We parked in front of a random park and I passed out in the back seat... only to wake up at 5 AM alone with all the doors unlocked and keys in the ignition. turns out bobby and alex were doin their own thing in the park. oh what a night.
Stories like this make me remember why I love/loathe Alex so much and why til this day, if she's popping a squat somewhere, I back up my car and put the headlights on.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Let's play a little game i like to call FICKLE
So besides being the funniest most creative girl west of the Mississippi, I am also the sluttiest. Things always change in such a dramatic way within a few days for me. Chod is crap. Chod fucked all these dirty girls I know. He still tries to come around and act like he's going to give me everything I've ever wanted, but umm..... I want more. You know how us women are never satisfied right? Anyway, the drunk and me been fuckin . . . it's alright. I hate that it's the woman's job to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. . . I mean yes, I know, it really isn't - but the fact that he thinks so drives me mad... and not in a good i wanna rip off your clothes way either. So on to the next man - or woman for that matter. I am going on a date with a girl this weekend. She's hot, funny and one of my best friends already. She's been interested for some time but we just haven't gotten past hte makign out stage yet. Date to the beach this weekend. I'll let you know if I get any sand in my junk. Hehehe.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Holy smokes batman!
So I did it. I made a decision. After realizing that in true reality, my choices were between a drunk who is verbally abusive (i.e. the guy .... or ya know a virtual copy of my father) and a guy that his shit together (Chod). Obviously, Chod it was. We went to the bar, got drunk, and then I proceeded to molest him at his house. Best part? 20 minutes! Now as a woman who has had AMAZING sex, I know 20 minutes ain't shit. . . but for him? That's like setting off some fuckin fireworks! Turns out only when he's drunk can he commit for more than two minutes. Guess I'll be raping my little drunk boy more often!
Friday, July 13, 2007
The irony of my life...boys, boys, boys
So I never really thought of myself as a blogger, but I swear to you, I could not make up half the shit that happens in my life if I was fuckin Louisa May Alcott... and yes, I went there. Let's just start with why I'm here...
It all started six years ago... I'm sure every woman has a story like this. I was young and stupid. I fell in love with a guy that knew more about beer and cocaine than your basic third grade arithametic. I thought he was the epitome of hot men everywhere. So to cut this dramatically tragic story to a minimum, we then took part in six years of on and off fucking. Not just fucking, but GREAT FUCKING. It got to a point where the awkward queef noises and random jizz shots would make us laugh rather than make me want to cry in the fetal position or go take a crying game shower. So this had been going on up until like a month ago. Things weren't going so great at the end, but the nerve of this imbicil to come at me and tell me that he needs to move on with his life is just mind boggling to me at this point... especially since he had come over to my house the night before and partaken in the aforementioned great sex. Anyway, after the "heart break" (All of which consisted of many blunts, lots of Sierra Nevada, and dressing up like a Pussy Cat Doll to go to the bar and holler at men), I of course moved on in true slut fashion.
I was on my next cock within a week. Another ex boyfriend... yes I recycle more than Waste Management but fuck it. We'll call him Chode- for obvious reasons. He sucks in the sac. DOWNGRADE. Seriously though, I don't know what's worse, getting great sex with a fuckin idiot who rarely acts like you're alive, or having shitty two minute sex with a guy that you've loved forever, but always left with the feeling of angst to go home and get down with the Hitachi.
Fast forward two weeks....
Yet another drunken night at the bar... lots of drunken fool kereoke - you know the kind where there's no mic and you're just yelling the songs in the middle of the bar? - to Meatloaf - God help us all! - and Prince's Raspberry Beret. While at the bar, I ended up making out with one of my best girlfriends. I'm not a lesbian by any means, but damn, I never thought I would be that turned on by a woman before! She's hot and I always said if I was going to do it, the broad would have to be hotter than shit. All the while that this drunken lesbian scene is going down, one my best guy friends stood there, white russian in hand, mouth agape. I thought he was gonna bust one right there at the bar. Me and him go outside, where the girl that was just giving me a fuckin tongue bath tells him that him and me have too much sexual tension. He starts laughing, she goes back in, and he totally goes for it! Sloppiest, drunkest kiss in my memory so far... I wasn't ready for it... it slipped off the side of my face... and he looked at me like I had just ruined everything. . . Still in shock, I muster enough strength to not tackle his ass and show him how it's done, but to rather, just walk back inside the bar where i'm safe from making a drunken ho out of myself. So after singing, dancing and sexually harassing the 50 year old barkeep with the chesthair, we took off back to my place. After walking into a huge mess from the dog, the four of us - guy friend, girl friend, roomie and myself, then begin to strip and have a wrestling match. Nothing better than explaining to your friends and coworkers the whole week that the bruises covering your whole body are from a 4 AM topless wrestling match held in your dining room/kitchen. Anyways, it would seem that I was the butt of a bet made that night. The guy and the girl bet on who could get me into bed first. The guy won. He was great in the sac - well if thats what you call that romp. Best foreplay - especially for me being a lazy drunk girl, and then he lasted for ohhhhhhhhhhhh three minutes! can you fuckin believe? I finally am having good sex with a guy that doesn't fuckin suck and he can't keep it up that long cuz we're trashed? oh Jesus, cut me some fuckin slack here! To make matters more awkward, my dad showed up at the same time as we were finishing - cuz obviously I had to go fishing with my father at 5:30 AM and he has the best fuckin timing in the world. Then when I return from my fishing extravaganza - at which I almost passed out while riding my bike from exhaustion and would've went right into the nasty ass lake, my roomate informs me that the boy was knocking on her door at 6 AM screaming how he fucked me for three minutes. I only bring home boys with pure sophistication I tell you. The next day - every one of my friends who stopped by the house had heard what happened. I was his conquest and amusement. . . the worst part? I still wanted more!
Fast forward to present:
Guy friend/Three Minutes of Heaven jocks me but still is too drunk to even conceive fucking me nearly as much as I need. Chode jocks me and everytime he sees me anywhere is draped all over me like a fucking cheap suit. . . but he's crap in the sac and a flake.
OVERALL ENDING THOUGHT:
Is there not a happy medium between the two? Should I just keep going with the flow- even the flow is taking me nowhere? Or should I just continue to fuck whoever drunkenly jumps in my sac?
It all started six years ago... I'm sure every woman has a story like this. I was young and stupid. I fell in love with a guy that knew more about beer and cocaine than your basic third grade arithametic. I thought he was the epitome of hot men everywhere. So to cut this dramatically tragic story to a minimum, we then took part in six years of on and off fucking. Not just fucking, but GREAT FUCKING. It got to a point where the awkward queef noises and random jizz shots would make us laugh rather than make me want to cry in the fetal position or go take a crying game shower. So this had been going on up until like a month ago. Things weren't going so great at the end, but the nerve of this imbicil to come at me and tell me that he needs to move on with his life is just mind boggling to me at this point... especially since he had come over to my house the night before and partaken in the aforementioned great sex. Anyway, after the "heart break" (All of which consisted of many blunts, lots of Sierra Nevada, and dressing up like a Pussy Cat Doll to go to the bar and holler at men), I of course moved on in true slut fashion.
I was on my next cock within a week. Another ex boyfriend... yes I recycle more than Waste Management but fuck it. We'll call him Chode- for obvious reasons. He sucks in the sac. DOWNGRADE. Seriously though, I don't know what's worse, getting great sex with a fuckin idiot who rarely acts like you're alive, or having shitty two minute sex with a guy that you've loved forever, but always left with the feeling of angst to go home and get down with the Hitachi.
Fast forward two weeks....
Yet another drunken night at the bar... lots of drunken fool kereoke - you know the kind where there's no mic and you're just yelling the songs in the middle of the bar? - to Meatloaf - God help us all! - and Prince's Raspberry Beret. While at the bar, I ended up making out with one of my best girlfriends. I'm not a lesbian by any means, but damn, I never thought I would be that turned on by a woman before! She's hot and I always said if I was going to do it, the broad would have to be hotter than shit. All the while that this drunken lesbian scene is going down, one my best guy friends stood there, white russian in hand, mouth agape. I thought he was gonna bust one right there at the bar. Me and him go outside, where the girl that was just giving me a fuckin tongue bath tells him that him and me have too much sexual tension. He starts laughing, she goes back in, and he totally goes for it! Sloppiest, drunkest kiss in my memory so far... I wasn't ready for it... it slipped off the side of my face... and he looked at me like I had just ruined everything. . . Still in shock, I muster enough strength to not tackle his ass and show him how it's done, but to rather, just walk back inside the bar where i'm safe from making a drunken ho out of myself. So after singing, dancing and sexually harassing the 50 year old barkeep with the chesthair, we took off back to my place. After walking into a huge mess from the dog, the four of us - guy friend, girl friend, roomie and myself, then begin to strip and have a wrestling match. Nothing better than explaining to your friends and coworkers the whole week that the bruises covering your whole body are from a 4 AM topless wrestling match held in your dining room/kitchen. Anyways, it would seem that I was the butt of a bet made that night. The guy and the girl bet on who could get me into bed first. The guy won. He was great in the sac - well if thats what you call that romp. Best foreplay - especially for me being a lazy drunk girl, and then he lasted for ohhhhhhhhhhhh three minutes! can you fuckin believe? I finally am having good sex with a guy that doesn't fuckin suck and he can't keep it up that long cuz we're trashed? oh Jesus, cut me some fuckin slack here! To make matters more awkward, my dad showed up at the same time as we were finishing - cuz obviously I had to go fishing with my father at 5:30 AM and he has the best fuckin timing in the world. Then when I return from my fishing extravaganza - at which I almost passed out while riding my bike from exhaustion and would've went right into the nasty ass lake, my roomate informs me that the boy was knocking on her door at 6 AM screaming how he fucked me for three minutes. I only bring home boys with pure sophistication I tell you. The next day - every one of my friends who stopped by the house had heard what happened. I was his conquest and amusement. . . the worst part? I still wanted more!
Fast forward to present:
Guy friend/Three Minutes of Heaven jocks me but still is too drunk to even conceive fucking me nearly as much as I need. Chode jocks me and everytime he sees me anywhere is draped all over me like a fucking cheap suit. . . but he's crap in the sac and a flake.
OVERALL ENDING THOUGHT:
Is there not a happy medium between the two? Should I just keep going with the flow- even the flow is taking me nowhere? Or should I just continue to fuck whoever drunkenly jumps in my sac?
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