let a dog roam and they'll wanna come home

Why is it that when life seems to finally be going your way, all the spawns of Satan (or for you laymen - your exes) seem to creep back from the depths of Hell and into your life? Obviously you know my luck with men. . . if thats what you can call teh scum that I date haha. I even had to laugh at that one myself! Anyways, I finally get my shit together - am doing great at work, have lost 30 pounds and in tip top shape, so of course, it would only make sense for God to curse me. I have compiled a list of things NOT to do if you are a creepy man and have been in my vagina...

#1) Do not call me from private number, listen to my voice, breathe heavily and then hang up. It makes me feel like the Zodiac is on my line and he's lusting blood.

#2) Do not try to text me to make small talk. No milk will ever be our milk.

#3) Do NOT send me naked pictures of you trying to encite a grand memory. Obviously you weren't that grand, or else you'd be laying in my bed as I type.

#4) Do not send me romantic notes such as : "I bet you miss wrapping those big lips around my cock" ... I take offense. I have no doubt in my mind that you miss it more than I do! And just what lips are you calling big? HUH?!?!?!?! No beefcurtains here.

#5) Do not try to befriend my friends as a way of getting back in with me. I know what you are doing. They know what you are doing. Why are you so lame?

#6) ABOVE ALL ELSE, if I see you in public, please do not touch me. Do not introduce me as your ex. . . let alone "the best head I ever had" .... definitely NOT the way back into a lady's heart. On second thought, if I see you in public please do not talk to me at all.

I don't think these things are hard to abide. I'm going to start making every man I fuck with sign a contract saying he will adhere to all the above in case we break up - which knowing me, my fondness for all penises, and my penchant for not being faithful, WE WILL BREAK UP.

Oh to be loved.