Funniest Kid in The World...

So my roomate has a 7 year old son. He lives with us, so obviously I get the shit end of the stick and the hilarity that all comes with being a non-parent housemate. It's bad on one hand cuz kids annoy the shit out of me and I wanna smack them half the time.... they're always so nice when you can give them back to their parents. On the other hand, it's very entertaining because he can say the most inappropriate things in front of me and I don't feel bad because I had no part in his upbringing.... on that note...

Noah is the type of kid that rocks a mohawk and has trouble saying his R's. He sounds like he's fwum New Yoke. The speach impediment itself is the cutest thing ever because while saying innocent words, he butchers them and half the time he sounds like a sailor. So the elusive dating triangle is still commencing, and Noah living with me, knows all about it. (Well as much as you would tell a 7 year old). The other night Chod was coming over to play some DDR and drink some beer. I told my roomie to talk to Noah and tell him not to say anything about the Drunk to Chod. We decided it would be better to not say anything and just see how Chod and Noah interracted. As soon as I went to get the door I hear Noah screaming "Dave (Drunk) is here!" He was so excited to see Drunk. Roomie grabbed him and pulled him into his room for a chat. Once I made sure Chod was out of earshot, I walked into the room and Noah has the biggest smile I have ever seen. He's pointing at me, mimicing me, and doing a dance all while saying "I know your secwets (secrets for laymen)" I couldn't help it. I lost it and just started laughing hysterically. Then I offered to pay him $5 to keep his little trap shut. He says "Make it twenty and we got a deal" I was the one who taught the kid to bargain! Needless to say the extortionist only got his $5.

Noah Part II

So eventhough he lives with two women, Noah does not know what a period is. I don't think any 7 year old boy should know what one is. Those of you who have dogs know how they are drawn to anything that has been within a yard of a crotch, so needless to say, my daughter Bella always makes her way to the garbage trash can that time of the month. Someone forgot to close the door and she got in there last weekend. She retrieved a tampon (damn shitty pipes!) and brought it into the living room. I was asleep at this time so I had no clue what was going on. As soon as I got up though, Noah was telling me how he had picked up my "diaper" ... you could imagine how horrified I was that he had touched it! This kid never washes his hands. NEVER. Everytime he pees, he walks out, he'll pick up trash off the ground and then try to eat. But after he picked up the diaper he "washed my hands with soap and watel" .... so that's what it takes? Anyways, later he told me that he tried to not touch the "butt" part. I was a little confused as to what this meant. . . until I found out that Bella had also grabbed a panty liner - maybe the diaper to begin with? Who knows. Anyways, after a little more probing I found out that Noah thinks that the blood was shit. Noah also thinks I shit my pants all the time, and now him and his mother lovingly refer to me as "poop pants". . . oh to be ostracized by a 7 year old. I feel like informing him about periods just so I can drop the moniker. .. oh kids say the darndest things.